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BAMBI: Let's get right to the hard questions. I didn't come all this way to pussyfoot around the issues.
AHMADINEJAD: Ah! Pussyfoot. Is that a new American dance? I would like to do the pussyfoot with you. You are very proportioned.

BAMBI: For me to pussyfoot with you, I'd have to be dead. Now, to the issues. Opposition leader Mir Hossein Mousavi is still claiming to be the true winner of the June 12 election; however, your electoral commission declared that you won by a landslide. How do you feel about this?
AHMADINEJAD: My mind is racing with this pussyfoot stuff, but to answer your question, my electoral commission is impartial. They call it as they see it, and they always see it my way. We go way back. I give them money; they give me power. It's a good trade...no?

BAMBI: Then you admit that you and the electoral commission are in cahoots?
AHMADINEJAD: Yes, we are in cahoots. But I also want to be in cahoots with you.

BAMBI: Forget it! Are you and Osama bin Laden cohorts? Do you know where he is?
AHMADINEJAD: Ah! You tried to sneaky those questions in...but I am mesmerized by your beauty, so I will answer you with honesty. Yes, we are cohorts. And yes, I know where he is. We have cohorted for many years, and while I am not a swinger, I do like to cohort with terrorists. I give Osama money and weapons; he leaves me alone. If you like, after our pussyfoot dance, you and I will cohort with Osama at his cave.

BAMBI: Before I ever consider cohorting with you or that other lunatic, I would have myself committed. Please, stay focused. Many world leaders are calling upon you to recount the vote. Will you do that?
AHMADINEJAD: I will only recount the votes when they're in my favor. When you ask about "‘world leaders," do you mean Barack Obama, Benjamin Netanyahu, Nicolas Sarkozy, and that German girl, Angela Merkel? If so, they are not leaders to me. I am a real world leader who rules with an iron fist!

BAMBI: I'm LOL!
AHMADINEJAD: What is LOL? Does it mean you care for me?

BAMBI: Get real! I care more for a cockroach than I do for you. Why are the women in your country forced to wear burkas?
AHMADINEJAD: We cover our women because they are and will remain faceless to us. Women have no place in this world...except, of course, for you. I would like to make you my wife, and you will never be covered.

BAMBI: I would rather be shot at close range. How much uranium do you have and where is it hidden?
AHMADINEJAD: Where else? All is hidden under my heart-shaped bed. Who would think to look under there? I have little bit of uranium...maybe a pound or two. You see, my little kumquat, the game is played this way: one minute I say yea; the next minute I say nay! It keeps everyone guessing and gives me more time to fool all the people. I am smart, no?

BAMBI: You are asinine, yes! What about your land-mobile missiles?
AHMADINEJAD: What about them? I have been using them as lovely benches around the city. My people sit on them to bask in the sun. I can't destroy them. They have become an Iranian landmark.

BAMBI: I know one Iranian landmark that should be destroyed. Why don't you stop all the foolish talk and get rid of your destructive programs? What good will come from all of this type of stupidity?
AHMADINEJAD: I am neither pig nor pork about missiles and nuclear stuff. I want to marry you. The first time I saw you at a news conference, I was overwhelmed with love. You are the girl of my dreams.

BAMBI: And you are a nightmare! I could kill you right now and sleep like a baby tonight. How do you feel about that?
AHMADINEJAD: I am quick on my feet and sharp like a tack. Now, I am tired of all these questions. It is time for us to do the pussyfoot and plan our marriage.

Ahmadinejad reached for me, and I ran like a bat out of you-know-where. I jumped into a Blackhawk helicopter and returned safely to an undisclosed U.S. airbase.